


Amen Omen

by MelodyOfHappiness



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Epic Bromance, Gen, Sirius Black in Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:15:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29169450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodyOfHappiness/pseuds/MelodyOfHappiness
Summary: From this moment, you knew you wouldn't ever need Dementors to make you understand you'd never be happy again. The thought of never hearing him laugh again was enough. James...
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter
Kudos: 4





	Amen Omen

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Amen Omen" by Ben Harper, one of my all-time favorite ones.

You're cold, hungry, empty. 

You avoid looking at your body _(insignificant mass of bones)._

You'd do anything for a cigarette.

Sometimes it feels like your heart has stopped beating _(you wish)_.

You feel too much or not at all. 

Your brain registers the heart-rending screams all around you. You can't find it in yourself to care. You wonder if your past self would have wanted to save them _(was it a dream ? Have you ever lived, laughed, loved ?_ ). 

Not anymore. Now, you don't understand why they're still screaming. Don't they know ? That everything is over ? That there is nothing left to do, no one left to save, nothing more to hope for? _(they're gone)_

Those ones will die soon, you think. Those ones can die. _(Not you. Your conscience won't let you.)_

They're calling for their mother. They all end up screaming for her, no matter how long it takes. There's monsters in their rooms and their mother swore she would be always be there for them _(where is she?)._ So they scream for her. Until they understand. Their mother never answered. Their mother never heard. Their voices disappear into the night.

You don't call for your mother. Walburga _(you can't call her mother)_ would probably kill you faster than the monsters _(abomination, blood-traitor, how can you be mine?)._

The other one is dead _(James's empty eyes staring at her grave, smiling through your tears, needing to be strong for him.)_ She cannot hear you _(and she would probably hate you for taking her son away, you're no fool)_.

You're still sane _(how?)._

You wish you would die _(you're not that lucky. Perhaps you don't even deserve that)._

They're coming closer. The room gets cold as ice and your body starts shaking _(you hope they cannot see you)._ Your heart beats faster _(his silent, dead heart under your palms)._

Your memories take you hostage. It always goes crescendo.

Every time you felt the pain of a Crucio. Starting from the tip of your father's hand.

Gideon and Fabian's bodies _(so, so young, yet still older than you_ ).

Your little brother, terrified by the monsters in his own room back in the days, screaming for Walburga. And then for you _(but you couldn't stay. you had to save yourself)._ His monsters devoured him. In fact, his own mother threw him further in their direction _(stupid Death Eater, tried to kill James so many times)_. You don't want to feel pain. You refuse to mourn a Death Eater _(but damn. it hurts)._

Godric's Hollow. Lily's hand reaching towards her baby's cradle, her eyes staring straight through Harry. Dry tears streaming down her face. _Lily..._

His hazel empty eyes, once so full of warmth, illuminated by the light of the Dark Mark, a lifeless body bathed in green light _(your worst nightmare coming to life)._ Your weak knees falling. From this moment, you knew you wouldn't ever need Dementors to make you understand you'd never be happy again. The thought of never hearing him laugh again was enough. _James..._

Your brother, no matter what they say. They say you killed him in cold blood, they say you betrayed him. While you would have given your life over and over again to spare him. Instead, you unknowingly condemned him to death. You delivered him straight to the enemy's hands. Voldemort brandished the wand, Peter revealed the secret and you orchestrated the murder. They say you were the operation's brains. You can only bitterly approve.

You don't wish to be released. For once, you're not chasing that freedom. You, Sirius Black, the eternal rebel with the motorbike, the big black boots and the leather jacket, don't want to be free anymore if this means you'll have to live in a world he's not part of. You just want him to rot away in the neighboring cell. You need him far, far away from Harry even if you won't be able to see, to love the boy because you're as guilty as Peter _(but where is he?)._

You don't scream for your mother. You transform into your Animagus form _(it took you several months to remember Padfoot. Because it was a happy memory and you couldn't deal with that)_. And a wounded dog's moan briefly joins the discordant concert of screams and sobs echoing all around Azkaban.

Your mother won't come and save you. If Prongs doesn't come, nobody will.

But as a dog, you get to forget the weight of their loss. The pain will be even stronger when you will transform back.

You killed your own brother. You're guilty. They can let you rot in this hell _(you deserve every minute of it.)_

**Author's Note:**

> Not an English native speaker, please forgive the typos? Also kudos/comments are Sirius breaking free from Azkaban <3


End file.
